Normally, if you clicked on an article with a similar title here at Rural Sprout, you would be looking at your plants for symptoms. However, we want to make gardeners aware of a serious condition that can present in the fall each year among people who grow their own food.
In fact, now is the time it starts to show up.
Gardeners everywhere start experiencing the tell-tale symptoms of Nogardenitis.
(Don’t laugh, this is serious business.)
Symptoms usually coincide with the shortening days and become acute after the first frost. Once the gardener’s garden has been closed up for the season, symptoms can manifest quickly. Friends and family members are encouraged to keep an eye on the gardeners they know. Non-dirt-loving people are more likely to spot the symptoms before the gardener notices them. This makes non-gardeners better equipped to take appropriate therapeutic action.
Nogardenitis is a condition that is not recognized by the medical profession as “a real thing.” However, we have found that doctors who garden themselves are more likely to be sympathetic to sufferers.
The following symptoms should be reported immediately to your local nursery or garden center, where treatment options are available.
1. Finding random gardening implements in odd places around your home.
A husband in Washington state reports finding his wife’s Hori Hori knife in the bathroom, in the cup with the toothbrushes. He reported to Rural Sprout, “There was compost all over the toothbrushes. I had to throw them all out. My wife swears she has no memory of putting it there. I just hope she didn’t try to brush her teeth with the dang thing!”
This is a common symptom of Nogardenitis. The caretaker should remove the gardening tool and put it back in the garden shed. Bringing it to the attention of the gardener can cause confusion and irritability.
(I’m serious here, stop giggling!)
2. A sudden interest in the growth and maintenance of houseplants
Generally, vegetable gardeners have remained somewhat immune to the recent houseplant craze (Another similar illness.). However, they choose to get their fix outdoors instead.
Houseplants owned by the gardener are often forgotten during the growing season. However, with the onset of Nogardenitis, the gardener in question may show a renewed interest in the growth and maintenance of these neglected plants. Sadly, it’s often too late for the houseplant, as it perished sometime in July once the tomatoes started producing regularly. Concerned family members can help by quietly swapping the dead houseplant with a budded-out Thanksgiving cactus. Although, this, too, will probably die next summer once the case of Nogardenitis clears up.
3. Sudden and Frequent Trips to the Mailbox
Gardeners suffering from Nogardenitis may find it hard to go long periods without a trip to the mailbox. You may feel an intense urge to go accompanied by mutterings about seed catalogs. Once at the mailbox, gardeners rarely get relief and may sit for hours waiting for the mail to come. They generally give up and come back inside, only to find that after a short period of time they have to go to the mailbox again.
4. Long Periods of Sullenness and Staring Out the Window
As fall turns to winter, Nogardenitis can become acute, rendering the gardener incapable of doing much throughout the day. You can often find gardeners staring out the window at their empty garden, looking wistful and talking to themselves about zucchini blossoms, pollination rates and tomato suckers.
Pay careful attention to gardeners at this stage.
Frequent snow storms can cause irritability as their gardens are buried under soft mounds of white snow and are no longer visible from the house. They may struggle with object permanence and become highly agitated. You can help by reassuring your gardener that their garden is still there; it’s just “hiding” under the snow.
(Wipe that smile off your face. Nogardenitis is no laughing matter.)
5. Manic Bouts of Planning and Creativity
Caregivers are often surprised to find that out of the blue, their gardener suddenly shows drastic improvement. They are dressed and showered without being asked to do so. You can often find the gardener pouring over graph paper, seed catalogs and gardening notes from the previous season while sipping tankards of coffee. (Secretly switching them to decaf will help with those trips to the mailbox.) They may also be surrounded by seed packets and colored pencils or markers. They may plague you with questions about modular raised bed kits or growing tomatoes vertically this year.
Depending on when this happens, it can be a good sign.
If this stage of Nogardenitis develops early in the winter, you’re likely looking at a relapse with recurring trips to the mailbox and more staring out the window. However, if this happens in late winter, it’s a sign that they are improving and the case of Nogardenitis is clearing up.
Treatment Options
Unfortunately, as the medical community does not recognize this condition, there are currently no approved treatments available. However, some home remedies have popped up over the years, with varying degrees of success. Naturally, all evidence of their effectiveness is purely anecdotal. Most treatments can be picked up at your local garden center.
Take Two Peas and Call Me in the Morning
Some gardeners have found relief by planting two peas in a pot and growing them on a sunny windowsill. In some cases, this can make the condition worse, and family members have reported that every windowsill in the home is covered in pots. It’s best to just go along with it, as disturbing the pots may result in your gardener becoming irritable and hard to deal with.
Distraction, Distraction, Distraction
Caregivers can help alleviate the symptoms of Nogardenitis by distracting their gardeners. Much like a mosquito bite, the more attention you draw to Nogardenitis, the worse it becomes. Things like jigsaw puzzles, books and frequent outings can help. You can try interesting your gardener in a new hobby such as taking up an instrument, knitting or bird watching, however, these pursuits are usually abandoned in the spring.
The holidays often provide enough distraction for symptoms to abate; however, Nogardenitis has a nasty habit of coming back twice as strong after the new year.
Denial by Device
In some extreme cases of Nogardenitis, the gardener will enter a deep state of denial concerning the seasons. They will construct elaborate contraptions that allow them to continue gardening well into the winter. Some of these diehard gardeners manage to keep gardening right through until spring, when Nogardenitis naturally clears up on its own.
There is some debate in the gardening community as to whether this is a healthy way of dealing with Nogardenitis. Studies have shown that with liberal amounts of compost applied (to the garden, not the gardener), the garden is no worse for wear.
Some of these setups include using cold frames, polytunnels and the Kratky Method. While these are generally harmless, they can sometimes get costly (depending on how strong the Nogardenitis is in the gardener) and can take up lots of room. In extreme cases, this type of denial can lead to the building of large passive-solar greenhouses.
It’s Always Darkest Before the Dawn
Remember, Nogardenitis always gets worse in late winter. However, symptoms tend to drop off quickly with the arrival of the first seed catalog and daylight savings time. Unfortunately, just as Nogardenitis clears up, a new condition sets in – the Green Itch, which presents as a flurry of activity involving lots of grow lights, seedling trays and dirt all over the flat surfaces of the house.
Once all danger of frost has passed, caregivers of those afflicted with Nogardenitis will experience relief of their own as the gardener can take their crazy outdoors again and leave you alone in peace. Remember, Nogardenitis is no picnic, but it’s better than trying to convince your gardener to give up gardening entirely. With a little planning and compassion, we can all get through the seasonal challenges of dealing with Nogardenitis. Help prevent the spread of Nogardenitis by sharing this with all your gardening friends (and putting a smile on their faces).
This piece is intended as satire and constitutes a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. If you enjoyed this piece, then you should read 8 Reasons Starting Your Own Seedlings is a Complete Waste of Time & Money
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